truth

My blogger is full of drafts un-posted. Ideas that popped into my head of something so spectacular that I needed to share it with the whole world! But then I say to myself, "Self, you wrote about this exact idea in your last post. Besides your sisters and grandma, people are probably bored of it." So I let my ideas and dreams just simmer.

I have a hard time being completely honest here. There are so many peeping eyes and crazies out there, who knows who or what could be reading?! How can I give them what is mine, something so precious and under my control: my thoughts. Maybe I'll be a little honest tonight . . .

Becky and I ran into each other and after exchanging the recent happenings in our lives, she said "You look older."
"I feel older."
And that's true. I told her this past year has aged me. My roommate said a few weeks ago that she feels like she has aged 7 years in 7 months. If she's aged a year each month then that would mean I'm 12 years older! I'm thankful though. I like who I am and where I am.

Here's something honest: Sometimes I get lonely. I have people all around me, but I sometimes there is something missing. My best friends, my family, my Bre, Charlie my pup . . . I need them. It's amazing how much you realize the importance of something when its taken away from you for a while.

p.s. this picture makes me eternally happy!

plethora

A year in pictures '09!

gmail weather forecast: light snow mist

"light snow mist"

That sounds kind of dreamy.

{pic via google images}

happenings:

*It's my first time wearing my oversized lime-green work shirt . . . and I love it! Why have I always been too scared to wear it before?!

*I'm staring at my school books, unmotivated. Can't I just let my mind vegg for once?

*It's a great feeling looking at "My Map" to see mostly

requirement complete and very few requirement planned

and absolutely no requirement not complete!

Questions:

*Question #1: Can we hang out? I miss you.

*Question #2: Do you ever feel like you are older than you really are? Like the people around you are so immature, what's their deal? I thought they were supposed to be college students?

*Question #3: Is it possible to love someone even before you've met them?

That's all for now.

word.

my new motto:

"Live simply, Give more, Expect less"

~Sister Mace

This is an email I received at work today:

Kendra-

You are so AWSOME!. Yes , we did check Dylan's grade and are very happy that he did so well. I can't thank you enough for you time and patience with us. People like you are very special. Have a wonderful weekend!

Glenda

{love her punctuation mistakes!}

Isn't that the best?! It's people like this that make it easier to love an serve others. I can love them as Christ does and see the end clearer with God's perspective. We need other people to get through this life. Don't take them for granted.

People are worth it. Life is worth it.

{pic via}

tête-à-tête avec mon âme

Yesterday.
Hey it happens.
stress, frustration, blah. build up, build up, explosion.
Maybe we shouldn't talk about it.
It was just one of those days.
My mom is always so patient and understanding. I am so grateful for her.
Always caring, always listening, always loving.
I was worried it would happen again today.
Thankfully it was better.

Last night, afterward . . . I was reminded of something. Even though it was late, I searched though my drawers to find it. It is from someone who is thousands of miles away preaching the truth to the world. It was this: a short Patrickism and a poem. Remember that one time after freshman year when we all bawled our eyes out? Remember that bond of friendship and mutual understanding?

What are we?
Are we not as waves—
Cast upon the shore,
longing for depth,
wishing to be bustled amongst other waves—

For what are we but the waves that surround us—
like this we are to our friends.
For—A person defined cannot be alone—
but it is our friends that do make us up-
For better or for worse.

Never is a wave alone
alone it is dead water
Never is a person alone
alone it is without definition.

Kendra—if I could leave one thing with you—I would tell you that you are never alone. Even when friends are miles away, or, heck, even if you end up like Tom hanks on Cast Away—God will always walk with you, and He will always be your definition. Friends will define you—and so having the only perfect being as a friend will definitely help make that definition clear, pure, and permanent.

~Patrick {Hotel} O'Connell

I am a wave. Sometimes I feel like dead water just yearning for depth, wanting to be bustled amongst other waves. Simply a wave, thankful to be in existence. Thankful for the one perfect being who makes my path, my definition clear.
My best friend.

Thanks patty boy for writing that. I needed to hear it.

rêver de toi

Whenever it rains I want to listen to chill music and that means Jason Mraz {but I usually always want to listen to him. heh}. Classes ended today so I should be studying for finals, but instead I am just relaxing to the sounds of Jason. Keep it up Jason.

It's kind of sad when old friendships die due to change, neglect, being busy, or whatever it may be. I went to a double bridal shower tonight for my old roommate {what's with it being the season of engagement!?!??! Geez. But that is another story}. I saw the girls that I used to hang out with. We had some fun times back then and they were all great friends of mine. It was nice to catch up with them. It's just interesting because our lives just keep going even though we part ways. We are all growing, changing, learning. I feel like I know those girls, but not really. I can't really describe it. It was just an interesting dynamic.

So right now I am just ready for a change.

{pic found here. I highly suggest checking it out. I want those swimsuits}

in the plastic bag . . . yum?

. . . and so the moldy, sliminess continues. We just can't seem to help it can we? Just as a little refresher, remember this and this?

undeniable joy

Secrets are fantastic and I've loved having them, but it is now time for the big reveal{s}!!

Secret #1 {remember my excitement from this post}: Our RS split and I am now the new RSP! How crazy is that?! Sometimes I am still in shock.

AND

Secret #2: A special announcement!!!!! {I will be an aunt for the first time! Whoa! I am super excited about this fact. Also my sis and bro-in-law are so incredible. They will be great parents}

and as always,
much love

**********

for your enjoyment, a poem by k.m.

A "work in progress"



by the way, the live reading of this poem is top quality ;)

{yes i did take a picture of this.
yes i put it on my blog. so there.}

*******

AKFNENFOINIOSDVNOIDNVOIVI!!!!!!!

I don't have time to think of a clever title. I don't have time to think of anything!

I have way too many thoughts rushing through my mind, STILL! In an effort to sort all the thousands of thoughts I am blogging.

*Last night I could not sleep. {I tried to but my thoughts kept rushing to a million places and I was NOT tired. at all.}
*This morning I could not eat. {I had to force feed myself}
*Today I can not study and I don't want to go to class. {How can I when there are so many more important things to be doing?!}

It's crazy how your life can change and completely turn around in just one day. I am still a little numb, but totally and completely EXCITED!!! {Can I emphasize that enough?!} Just ten minutes ago I was running and jumping around my apartment in pure wonder and hysteria. Thankfully no one was there because it was quite an embarrassing spectacle. Every time I think about it I get this overwhelmingly nervous but delighted feeling in my chest and I have to scream or do something before I burst!!!

So this is what Heavenly Father has been preparing me for! I am so grateful for the confidence that he has in me. It all makes sense now and I can hardly contain my joy!

Also my family and friends are amazingly amazing and supportive of everything in my life and I just want to thank them and love them all the time!!!!!!! {yes I said amazingly amazing}

I just love you guys, like are you kidding me?!?! Yes I do.

These people are amazing. Like seriously.

la la la

two things:

1. Thanks sister! I loved this story.

2. Also, Katie and I are pathetic apparently. great.

cette week-end j'ai été un{e} espion{ne}

¡uɐɯ ʞɔɐls ǝɯos ǝɯ ʇnɔ ˙pǝɹıdsuı uǝǝq ʇ,uǝʌɐɥ ı ˙ʎlǝʇɐl sǝʇɐpdn ɟo ʞɔɐl ǝɥʇ ʇnoqɐ ʎɹɹos ˙ɐl ɐl ɐl ɥɐlq ɥɐlq.

I've been super busy lately. blech.

I feel like there is something in my life that is coming soon. I don't know what it is, but change is inevitable. I've been feeling like this semester will be different for me in some way. I know that I am a different person now and I think Heavenly Father is preparing me for things to come. I know that the person I am today is definitely more open to whatever may come compared to the person that I was last year. At the moment my life is so open to countless opportunities and ready for exciting new adventures! So for now: Come what may and love it. {I love and miss this man. He was one of my fav's}

"could it be? yes, it could. something's coming, something good, if I can wait! something's coming, i don't know what it is, but it is gonna be great!"

{something's coming~west side story}


p.s. brooke, i want a photo shoot. but for now i have tons of homework to do.

pic via "b.e."

au revoir 2008, salut 2009!

Well it is gone, and it went by fast. 2008. What a great year. Here are just a few memories of 2008 {good and bad, but mostly good}:

*I made some sweet new friends
*I lost some others
*I stood up for myself even when it was hard
*My family and I said goodbye to our first little missionary!
*I tried to figure out my life
*I pulled my first all-nighter {or first couple}
*We had some awesome adventures
*I finished my freshman year off with a bang and tears
*I hung out with my fam all summer
*I was really lazy all summer, but I don't regret it
*I had a fantastic time in coeur d'alene with the best people in the world
*I drove to Provo by myself for the first time
*I started my sophomore year. crazy.
*I avoided the assassins around every corner, but eventually shady Ian got me {in exchange for cookies ;) }
*We eventually adjusted and found a place in our ward
*I made some more new friends
*I tried to figure out my life some more and was a bit more successful
*I anxiously awaited Thanksgiving and Christmas
*I took finals and peaced out {but not before I partied with kaylie ;) }
*I had another smashingly fantastic Christmas with the fam!

Thank you 2008 for being so great {that rhymed}!
I can't wait to see what 2009 will bring.

{now in search of new adventures for 2009!}

the birds {1963} scared my dad

crying is draining . . .

there are places I remember . . . some forever, not for better.

Losing a dear friend.

I have tried and tried to express my thoughts about this whole situation, but nothing ever seems sufficient or blog worthy. Is this even blog worthy?

I don't know how to act anymore. I feel so awkward, an emotion I though I'd never feel around you. Things aren't the same, not like they used to be. The fault is both of ours. We let things drift even though we didn't want them to. You've always had your opinions about my life choices, I just tried to hide from the reality of your opinions until you opened my eyes to them. Wow was I shocked! All this coming from my best friend? I guess I've had my opinions on your life choices too, although I have never expressed them. That's not my character. You said that I was just another crappy friend who came in and out of your life. I never realized that the things I did were hurtful to you. I am sorry. Although this whole situation is new to me, I am not sorry for the things that were said. I've never lost a friend before. Not like this. It's just as hard for me as it is for you.

We are still the same people, but maybe just a little more grown up. Then why is everything so different, so changed?

I guess it's just life, right?

" . . . And I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them . . .

{in my life-the beatles}

I wondered if I could hold it and fall in love with it too . . .

Thoughts:

I love weekends. Why are they so short?

Skype is my friend. Thank you skype for keeping me in touch, but please try to be a bit more reliable.

I like staying home in my sweats, watching movies, eating my weight in all sorts of good food, reading for pleasure, cooking real meals, hanging with the roomies far more than I like going to school. But Alas! I can not do that. Sad day.

Figuring out my schedule for next semester is a little annoying.

I want my hair to grow longer. It already is long, but I'd love to have long, luscious locks. I see girls on campus with hair that I want, and as much as I try to not compare myself . . . it happens.

I am so SO SO excited for thanksgiving. I have really been wanting a break for some time now. It's been long overdue and I just miss home. I can't wait to be with my family and eat amazing food. I miss food too. Oh the eating life of a college student! Also during this break, my mom and I will be working on some sewing projects that I started in the summer and never finished i.e. vintage dresses that I have been dreaming about and wanting to wear ever since we got the fabric for them. AHHH! Unfortunately I won't be able to finish them all in the ridiculously short break we are given. Hopefully I will come back to Provo with at least one dress . . . we will see.

and . . . Thanksgiving means Christmas is coming soon! I can hardly wait! More family, food, and fun! Free from this tom diggory(foolery) we call school! heh. ;)

Also I miss my amazing sister Elissa. Sometimes I wish we had a bit more communication from her rather that short, quick email each week. I know that she is doing a great work and that she is learning and growing from this experience so much. I am so thankful for her and the sacrifices she makes each day.

I can't STAND the anticipation to hear from the Disney College Program and to see if I am accepted AND if I passed the character audition (cross fingers!!) I can't think about it or I will get my hopes up, but the problem is that I think about it too often. Far too often. geez.

I really love making a fool of myself in my french class everyday! (sarcasm)

I love sleeping. I love getting enough sleep that my body needs and craves. Lately I've been having some strange dreams. Last night I dreamed about going back home because my high school needed me to replace the lead in a play . . . which brings us to how . . .

I miss acting. I got a small taste of it again this weekend when I was in a movie. Not a big deal, just for a kid who is a BYU film major and I had a little cameo. And film acting is way different from stage acting, but it still made me appreciate the experiences I had in high school.

I need to just stop worrying so much. Everything will work out. I just need to put my faith in the Lord that everything will turn out how it should. Sometimes it's hard to let things happen on the Lord's timetable, especially when I love to have everything so planned out. It's hard for me when I can't just look into the future and see what it will all be like: what my future will hold for me, things I can look forward to, and things I may want to avoid, but I'm glad it's not like that. I think it would take away all the excitement out of life, learning from my mistakes, experiencing life to it's fullest, and finding joy in the journey. ;)

Here is a precious photo of Sam, Janelle, and Charlie. It made me happy. I love all three of them. (next week baby!)

we love pictures but missed the sun