I'm back

Today was a happy day. I am learning to recognize the hand of the Lord in my life and appreciate the simple things that bring me joy. The church is true and the atonement is real.














{pic via lifelovepaper}

There is a difference between patience and long-suffering (emphasis on the suffering). I have decided to be patient. I guess its something that I really need to learn because it keeps coming up in my life.

I love these thoughts on patience from Dieter F. Utchdorf, an apostle of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints:

"Nevertheless, without patience, we cannot please God; we cannot become perfect. Indeed, patience is a purifying process that refines understanding, deepens happiness, focuses action, and offers hope for peace . . . Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!"

(He gave this at the Priesthood session of the 180th Annual General Conference. Read the full article "Continue in Patience" here.)

I am learning to endure well and to find joy in the journey! :)

Word,
Kenj

truth

My blogger is full of drafts un-posted. Ideas that popped into my head of something so spectacular that I needed to share it with the whole world! But then I say to myself, "Self, you wrote about this exact idea in your last post. Besides your sisters and grandma, people are probably bored of it." So I let my ideas and dreams just simmer.

I have a hard time being completely honest here. There are so many peeping eyes and crazies out there, who knows who or what could be reading?! How can I give them what is mine, something so precious and under my control: my thoughts. Maybe I'll be a little honest tonight . . .

Becky and I ran into each other and after exchanging the recent happenings in our lives, she said "You look older."
"I feel older."
And that's true. I told her this past year has aged me. My roommate said a few weeks ago that she feels like she has aged 7 years in 7 months. If she's aged a year each month then that would mean I'm 12 years older! I'm thankful though. I like who I am and where I am.

Here's something honest: Sometimes I get lonely. I have people all around me, but I sometimes there is something missing. My best friends, my family, my Bre, Charlie my pup . . . I need them. It's amazing how much you realize the importance of something when its taken away from you for a while.

p.s. this picture makes me eternally happy!

waiting

A new wave of events.

The biting wind brushes against my cheek. I scrunch up my shoulders closer and hold onto that thought tighter.
Look up, close your eyes and just breath a deep sigh. Don't think for one moment; just soak it all up in every part of your existence.

You are a living, breathing human being
and in that instant: invincible, unwavering, determined.

Create your own reality! Do not let opportunities pass you by.

Weaving thoughts keep me distracted
and zee avi tells me to find another tree
and make the wind my friend.
so "i’ll just sing with the birds
they’ll tell me secrets of the world."




















Hebrews 6:10
"For God is not unrighteous to forget your work and labor of love, which ye have shewed toward his name, in that ye have ministered to the saints, and do minister"

real feedback

"It's terribly amusing, how many different climates of feeling one can go through in a day." ~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh

41:59
Duration of our reconnection.
We talked of happenings, thoughts, future, options, etc.
{D&C 4; 84:88}
to be continued . . .

Some are so sensitive to others
and I am thankful for that.
Can I be more like that?
I am trying.

Chicken tikka masala, good company with
talks of colors and personalities
"let's see our compatibility"

Spring has been calling me.
such a dreamer.
That outlet to express myself is sitting on my shelf
unused & getting dusty.
It's been calling me too.

"What we have loved
Others will love
And we will teach them how" ~ William Wordsworth

Don't just say "good," give real feedback.
What you teach is who you are.
"Keep working on . . . "
Hopes and dreams of how it will look:
Overwhelming & inspiring.

"I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have--life itself." ~ Walter Anderson

and then there was a knock at my door . . .

:)

Bring it on world!

gratitude

hammer
hammer
pulse
throb
throb
thump

sniffle
*breath*
sneeze
cough
hack up
phlegm

It's finals week and I am to be accompanied by a delightful cold and pulsing headache.

So why, do you ask, did I entitle this post "gratitude?!"

Simply because I am grateful:
Grateful to be tested on my knowledge gained from this past semester, one of my hardest semesters thus far--if you can believe I am thankful for that {we'll see if I'm still grateful afterward}.
Grateful to Lauren for giving me medicine and for feeding me all semester.
Grateful to a certain teacher who allowed me to redo citations on a certain paper I was trying to forget and in my haste completely forgot to post page numbers instead of years for citations!
Grateful to finally begin my major classes next semester! Oops.
Not really grateful that a certain someone is leaving me for New Zealand, but grateful to have lived with her and grown with her and LOVED her. I'm also grateful that she will soon grow even more and have amazing adventures to tell me!
Grateful for this "candid" picture of petey and me captured at the Christmas party:


Grateful for an end in sight.
and Grateful to almost be done and on my way home!

*It should be an interesting break. A certain someone from my past will reappear and I still haven't figured out what to do with myself . . . I may have some stories to tell.

I wish you well as you are finishing up finals! Get some needed rest. Good luck all.

Much love,
Kenj

***************
P.S. I have a secret: I love hacking up phlegm. Grossed out?

renew

{this is an egypt sunset. special thanks to muniji}

"Be productive today . . .We'll sure miss you though. Just remember that."
I did remember. All day. Thank you.
I sure missed you too.
I also remembered to be productive.

RS Breakfast. Amish Oatmeal. Delish. Full.

Texts with Bre: I chose project and spiritual enlightenment. Not marathon. You be safe in that storm, my dear.

Errands:
Arts & Crafts. Cardstock, brushes, paints.
*Rich colors of denim blue, dark foliage green, straw yellow, chocolate cherry, seashell white, and my favorite plumb vineyard.
What creations may result. I want to enjoy the process.
Target /tar-ʒeI/ Reminders of childhood trips with mom. Love. Contact solution, body wash, bread, asparagus. Needed.

Jams to N'SYNC Christmas. It's a wonderful feeling, feel the love in the room from the floor to the ceiling.

Phone call. Give mom updates while rushing to campus . . .

Group Project.
Took forever. Still not satisfied.
Enough said.

Need nourishment. Physical and spiritual.
Thank you leftovers.
Thank you Spiritual Enlightenment. {Best decision, by far}.

"Who's influencing you & what are you influencing?"

Three things:
1. Know who you are. Discover how Heavenly Father feels about YOU. This will change your life. It will change how happy you can be {you are one of the "noble and great ones" D&C 138:55}.
2. Learn about the Atonement. Know what your Savior can do for you. He stands ready to help you with your weaknesses. He will help you deal with things bigger than you are.
3. Learn the language of the spirit. Ask him to teach you what it feels like and sounds like to you. Purity in thoughts, actions, desires, motives--these can determine how you receive revelation. Learn to block out the noise and rubbish & listen to the spirit. Try to be a little more pure.

*There is no chance Heavenly Father would take a chance on sending you to earth unless he had absolute confidence in your ability.

Thanks Sheri Dew and thanks Audrey for inviting me.
She's so real. A real woman with honesty. I'm beginning to learn how much I love it when people are straight-up. Straightforward without being overbearing. Humility. I'm working on it myself.

I've been searching for truth. Wanting more than just to feel the spirit, but to receive guidance in knowing what exactly I need to do. Tonight I learned that I must make some effort. I can't expect a straight-up answer if I am not willing to put in the work.

It's time to learn how to live--without inhibition {as Claire said} and with total confidence that my Savior will help me deal with the things that are bigger than I am. Time for new opportunities--chances to seize the moment and progress!

I begin a new journal tomorrow.
What new adventures await?

lost

*This is a long post. Just a disclaimer.*

It was a pleasure to smell the L-town breeze.
To feel it and immerse myself in mile high air.
My air. My hometown.

I walked into my clean, orderly room.
All my leftover belongings placed neatly in the shelves, all in their place.
I glance at each item:

A drawing from little Jade given to me at church. I miss her.
All my old journals filled with childish worries {they seemed so important at the time}.
Green glass-blown rose from Grandma.
The top shelf dedicated solely to my dolls, my best friends from before.
My High School letter "C" complete with academic letters, theater and choir pins.
And then a plaque caught my attention . . .

It reads:
Outstanding Vocal Musician. 2007 CHS.

Complete with my name engraved and everything. It's legit.

A rush of memories came flooding back to me:
Senior year. Epic. Dark blue robes, very airy. Lights beating down on a stage. Nerves of a final performance and anticipation for year-end rewards. I had been working towards this for 4 years! Determined to accept whatever came or did not come my way, I decided not to be bitter. I was unwavering.

Each name called, about 7 total, received a metal attached to blue ribbon. I tried not to covet as another was called and another. Each time expecting to hear my name among the few chosen. I felt myself give in and waver a little. I had about given up hope for myself. No one would remember this in about 5 years anyway, what did it really matter? I will hold a straight face. I will be happy for others. Besides I had my fill of stardom these past years, my turn was up.

Somehow I completely forgot about the last award. Suddenly I heard Mr. A say, "Last but not least, for outstanding vocal musician . . . " he turned and looked straight at me. My heart surged forward, just like that leap I've felt the few times I've been on a roller coaster {but that's another story}. Next thing I know people are cheering and clapping, urging me forward through the bleachers to claim my award.

"Woah! Did that really happen to me?"

Specific memories like this one were my defining moments. Things I had only dreamed about and never though possible. I identified myself in such a different way back then. It seems like ages ago . . .

Now . . . I sometimes feel lost. How is that when I've been given so many glorious opportunities to grow and find myself? Why when I have found myself before? Why when I have wonderful friends and family to help me along this path of discovery?

Maybe it's because now I don't have a chorus of people to cheer me on each time I succeed. I do it for myself. I don't need them to cheer me on. I am constantly searching for more truth; each time adds a little bit more until someday I will not be lost anymore. I'll be found.


Wizard: What do you want to be in the world? I mean the whole world. What do you want to be? Close your eyes and think about that.
August Rush: Found.

It would be so glorious to be found.

{image via google images}

here we are

{I forgot where i found this picture. sorry. anyone know?}

but first

here i am . . .
sitting eating dark chocolate covered almonds
purchased direct from the bookstore
and listening to some blues.

what an array of emotions and feelings
experienced practically everyday!

i want to tell you about one in particular because it so gosh darn great!
but i will have to keep that one close to my heart.

but i am grateful.

sister is back in p-town, with ME!
i have great friends who are so good at being there for me.
and i'm starting to see things unfold
it's what keeps me going

that and the fact that i am never truly alone
because my savior is always there for me.

wishing you love and joy,
Kenj

blee ba bee bla de

I may be going crazy.

I clogged the sink this morning trying to use the garbage disposal. It's probably still full of soapy water right now. It just stopped working and I had to leave for work. Sorry roommies.

It's my birth in 9 days.

other random thoughts . . .

On another note, I decided that night walks with best friends are the best ever.

i can't get out

My body wakes out of habit
I rise out of bed, simply duty
{to whom? myself probably}
and then life takes hold.

My movements are purposeful and deliberate,
but strained as well.
Just another day.
I think to myslef,
"life seems nothing more than a quick succession of busy nothings"
I am about done.

Here I am again
by the pond and side of the road.
The ducks come near for a treat.
I selfishly unoblige {and make up words}.
Sitting in the silence of my thoughts,
but in the tumult of reality.
I dream in
shades of mint & love blossom.

for tomorrow?
repeat.
repeat.

How much longer?
Dare I ask?
He warmly reasures, *the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand.

*D&C 58:3-4

one year

a lot can happen in a year.

that's how long it's been since the birth of my blog. it used to be a secret; a place where i wanted to pour out my soul, but never quite knew how. i am still learning and i don't think i can ever quite be at that point {or really want to}, but as i look back on this past year i see how much i've grown. not necessarily just with my blog, but in life, with friends, as a person: a daughter of god. i've become someone i am proud of and that is comforting. i am thankful for the people who have helped me along the way and whom have grown with me on this journey. i am thankful that we will continue this journey forever.

it could be the weather: cloudy & stormy {Oooo, my favorite!}
but today i am contemplative. reserved. reflective.
sometimes that is my favorite mood to be in.
i can sit in the silence of my thoughts and just . . . be, feel, dream.

i wonder what the coming years will bring . . .

{pic here}

tête-à-tête avec mon âme

Yesterday.
Hey it happens.
stress, frustration, blah. build up, build up, explosion.
Maybe we shouldn't talk about it.
It was just one of those days.
My mom is always so patient and understanding. I am so grateful for her.
Always caring, always listening, always loving.
I was worried it would happen again today.
Thankfully it was better.

Last night, afterward . . . I was reminded of something. Even though it was late, I searched though my drawers to find it. It is from someone who is thousands of miles away preaching the truth to the world. It was this: a short Patrickism and a poem. Remember that one time after freshman year when we all bawled our eyes out? Remember that bond of friendship and mutual understanding?

What are we?
Are we not as waves—
Cast upon the shore,
longing for depth,
wishing to be bustled amongst other waves—

For what are we but the waves that surround us—
like this we are to our friends.
For—A person defined cannot be alone—
but it is our friends that do make us up-
For better or for worse.

Never is a wave alone
alone it is dead water
Never is a person alone
alone it is without definition.

Kendra—if I could leave one thing with you—I would tell you that you are never alone. Even when friends are miles away, or, heck, even if you end up like Tom hanks on Cast Away—God will always walk with you, and He will always be your definition. Friends will define you—and so having the only perfect being as a friend will definitely help make that definition clear, pure, and permanent.

~Patrick {Hotel} O'Connell

I am a wave. Sometimes I feel like dead water just yearning for depth, wanting to be bustled amongst other waves. Simply a wave, thankful to be in existence. Thankful for the one perfect being who makes my path, my definition clear.
My best friend.

Thanks patty boy for writing that. I needed to hear it.

i am going to keep quite about it

I am constantly inspired by the people around me. I could name the many dear people in my life who have helped me in countless ways. They inspire me to be a better person. They amaze me with how they go about conducting their lives, how they manage to get so much done and they do it so well, and how they still find time to do the little things that matter the most. I see their countenances. I see their righteous desires. I see myself wanting to be more like them.

How is it possible that I can have so much love for them?!

So . . . I have so many other thoughts that are on my mind, but alas, no time to write about them.

D&C 98:2-3

je voudrais un macaron

{pic via a.b.t.}

comme ça

{j'aime le fish eye}

{pic via ma soeur, photog here}

I feel like I only ever blog in lists. Sorry.
These are a few things that have been on my mind lately:

*Work. I woke up a few nights ago dreaming about mock-calls, or rather having nightmares about them. I fear not knowing things and not sounding confident. I fear my test at the end of the two week training. I fear rush at the end of this month that continues on until summer. On the other hand there are about 5 people that work with me who I already know, I have been making lots of friends, and it is a great environment! I had a team meeting today with "shield" {my rockin' team} at the creamery, haha! I had a croissant thanks to Harry. Thanks Harry {or should I say zac efron?! bahaha} Fantastic.

*Balance. I am trying to find a balance in my life. I've always been good at managing my time well, but I have to really crack down and motivate myself because of all the things that I have to do. Right now I should be doing some unfinished homework instead of blogging {I feel like I say that a lot}. Also, I have some new stresses in my life. Sigh.

*Summer. I can hardly wait!! I am tired of wearing layers. It will be a dream to wear skirts and dresses all the time. Although I will be working full-time this summer, I am not taking classes so every day will be a party. I've heard summer at the 'clave is fantastic and I am dying for it to come asap.

*Family. I am planning on visiting the fam after Casey's grad. It is long overdue. I love them so much. Sometimes I have to stop myself and say, "Wow, Kendra. You really have the best family ever." I am constantly amazed with how blessed I am to have them in my life. Also, my cute sister Elissa comes home in about 6 months from the mish! Woo hoo. I can hardly wait. I miss talking to her.

So . . . thanks to blogger, I have been distracted for the past hour and a half, but before I go . . .

1. I like this website.

AND

2. I want to see this movie:



******
au revoir, my little lovelies!
à bientôt.

come away from all these things unheard

Today i . . .

*missed Colorado

*ate a cream soda sucker

*became employed

*went to fhe with some awesome peeps

*ate some cupcakes. delicious.

now i want to overcome my fear of heights with a balloon ride {the ones that fliers around enclave have been advertising}

ma centanté, mon coeur

I love this time in my life.

It's still hard at times,
but that makes it worth trying.

The future is uncertain,
but that's what makes life interesting.

There is so much to love and live for.
So much to prepare and look forward to.

I need to remind myself that sometimes.

*******