lost

*This is a long post. Just a disclaimer.*

It was a pleasure to smell the L-town breeze.
To feel it and immerse myself in mile high air.
My air. My hometown.

I walked into my clean, orderly room.
All my leftover belongings placed neatly in the shelves, all in their place.
I glance at each item:

A drawing from little Jade given to me at church. I miss her.
All my old journals filled with childish worries {they seemed so important at the time}.
Green glass-blown rose from Grandma.
The top shelf dedicated solely to my dolls, my best friends from before.
My High School letter "C" complete with academic letters, theater and choir pins.
And then a plaque caught my attention . . .

It reads:
Outstanding Vocal Musician. 2007 CHS.

Complete with my name engraved and everything. It's legit.

A rush of memories came flooding back to me:
Senior year. Epic. Dark blue robes, very airy. Lights beating down on a stage. Nerves of a final performance and anticipation for year-end rewards. I had been working towards this for 4 years! Determined to accept whatever came or did not come my way, I decided not to be bitter. I was unwavering.

Each name called, about 7 total, received a metal attached to blue ribbon. I tried not to covet as another was called and another. Each time expecting to hear my name among the few chosen. I felt myself give in and waver a little. I had about given up hope for myself. No one would remember this in about 5 years anyway, what did it really matter? I will hold a straight face. I will be happy for others. Besides I had my fill of stardom these past years, my turn was up.

Somehow I completely forgot about the last award. Suddenly I heard Mr. A say, "Last but not least, for outstanding vocal musician . . . " he turned and looked straight at me. My heart surged forward, just like that leap I've felt the few times I've been on a roller coaster {but that's another story}. Next thing I know people are cheering and clapping, urging me forward through the bleachers to claim my award.

"Woah! Did that really happen to me?"

Specific memories like this one were my defining moments. Things I had only dreamed about and never though possible. I identified myself in such a different way back then. It seems like ages ago . . .

Now . . . I sometimes feel lost. How is that when I've been given so many glorious opportunities to grow and find myself? Why when I have found myself before? Why when I have wonderful friends and family to help me along this path of discovery?

Maybe it's because now I don't have a chorus of people to cheer me on each time I succeed. I do it for myself. I don't need them to cheer me on. I am constantly searching for more truth; each time adds a little bit more until someday I will not be lost anymore. I'll be found.


Wizard: What do you want to be in the world? I mean the whole world. What do you want to be? Close your eyes and think about that.
August Rush: Found.

It would be so glorious to be found.

{image via google images}

soakin' up the sun

Just jammin' to some Toto here at work with my pal Rich. So sweet!

Also it's glorious to have my own computer again! {Thanks dad!}

I'm going to miss you fall. You were good to me this year.

{photo via lifelovepaper. I can't get enough of her!}

five + ten brought three & five

August 15th 2009.
The beginning of many firsts.

It was three months {and one day} ago. Woah. It was a great birthday.

Now there is less than five days of wait!

Look at us! We were all shiny and tan, except for me. I'm white/red always.

manual

we will be partying for the next few days:

it should be fun. let me know if you want to join!

p.s. a select few will be granted this opportunity ;)

p.p.s. i am drinking wassail. it's warm and delicious. yes.

word,

kenj.

dragonfly

8.21.09, 2:32 PM

i saw a dragonfly today.
i almost stepped on him.
he was big and beautiful;
the size of my palm with
a shimmering blue-green coat.

i almost didn't even see him.
i was a little distracted
as i was headed for my favorite bench,

but i saw him and . . .

he was dying. laying face-up on the hot pavement.
his legs twitching as he searched for his last breath.

it was a little heartbreaking.

i'd like to think he was an experienced dragonfly
with a long, love-filled life.
it was just his time.

we are all given time.
time to live and learn.
some are given more than others, but

. . .

11.10.09, 2:13 PM

where was I going with that?
who knows, it was over 2 months ago.

lately i've been feeling like that dragonfly:
lying face-up for all the world to look at,
twitching, searching for one last breath.

it's been hard.

i love dieter.

p.s. i went here this weekend with some fantastic friends!

i bought one of these:




















{photo via}